I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Randomize