You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
