Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
