I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
