So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
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