Plan B is the new Plan A
Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Randomize
