either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
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