when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
