I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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