Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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