U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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