smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
