apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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