This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
