Don't make out with my wife yet
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
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