every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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