hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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