Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
No...this little piggys going to the bar
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
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