Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
