I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
