Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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