I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
