I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
