And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
