Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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