I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
where are my eyebrows?
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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