If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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