I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
