im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
