i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
