you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
