I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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