[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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