She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Randomize
