I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Randomize
