so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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