I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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