need another drink. this is the easiest way
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
