what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
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