Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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