The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
