You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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