yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Randomize
