I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
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