Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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