I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
i believe in u and ur pee
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
