He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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