I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Please don't give away my fajitas
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