You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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