I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
