Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
