i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
