And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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