Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
