they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
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