I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
