I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
You pole danced in your parka.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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