A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Still dying that you shit outside
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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