when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Randomize
