there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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