I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
