Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Randomize
