i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
