i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
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