I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We have started to decorate penises.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
