Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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